ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
so weird how every mom was born today
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.