Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke