How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
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I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
#catsoftwitter