“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively