[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
You Might Also Like
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Stonehinge
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.