Tammy is short for Tamuel
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.