*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey