Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I got soap in my shower beer again.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Fight
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.