me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Finally, a door that understands me
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal