I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Perfect
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
This is a sub tweet
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.