Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You Might Also Like
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing