[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
True
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?