Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
cat vs inanimate object
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My therapist after every session