They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
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The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh