Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
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My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman