i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Become ungovernable.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
meanwhile over on facebook