I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk