Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
No, he would not have.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I didn’t realize that was an option
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH