me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said