Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes