I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.