When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.