Just a phase…
You Might Also Like
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.