If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
You Might Also Like
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”