Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Money is the root of all wealth
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok