I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
ok like just. call me at this point
#parenting
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”