17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Guantanamo Bae
doing some research
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Potatoes were such a good idea
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
When they try to steal your moment.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day