SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.