You Might Also Like
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
just got my engagement photos
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Coffee for people with no kids
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I hope this email finds you in a well
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy