me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.