I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
You Might Also Like
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
so weird how every mom was born today
I love the National Park Service.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here