“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
my dad has had enough
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.