Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work