him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them