Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
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I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
So we got a goldfish…
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.