If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.