god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
this makes me so uncomfortable
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.