ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort