[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
reminder
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?