Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Saw your ex at the shops
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic