Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide