[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Merica.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Hello Twits.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas