TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Taliband
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
💻🤡
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth