Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Ok, but like, how married are you?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?