My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
A Match(.com), but for socks.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out