[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11