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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.