Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.