I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*