There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
gentlemen, hear me out
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants